Best Of iaoth's Twitter

2008-07-13 20:50:38
Went out yesterday to buy candy and bumped into a co-worker. Went out today to get thai food and saw a hare. Outside: It's an adventure.

2008-07-28 16:43:59
Washed a bloodstain off the window. Let's hope CSI doesn't stop by.

2008-11-16 20:09:23
Futurama idea #42, "The Wouldawannatron": Postdicts what a deceased person or persons would have wanted. "It's what they would have wanted."

2009-01-11 12:41:00
Movie idea "Blackjack": Allied soldiers in Iraq aiming for a pip sum of 21 while offing people from the most-wanted deck of cards. "Hit me!"

2009-01-12 18:50:44
Nothing is more fun than sports. And by that I mean that I would rather do nothing. (That's so pithy Groucho Marx must've said it already.)

2009-03-07 01:09:19
As with most nerds, my mental development seems to have stopped short around the age of 12. Luckily I was very mature for my age.

2009-03-15 10:05:10
When I woke up, I had another image in my mind: A Kung Fu school for kids, and the boys have just found the pressure point for farting.

2009-04-02 17:19:02
I fear that if I ever get drunk I'd start a fight. I might also sing. Basically I'd be Irish.

2009-04-05 16:49:16
cuz ah-I would ride a cab 10 miles and ah-I'd ride maybe 10 miles more, just to be almost right at your door, cuz you live on the 23rd floor

2009-04-15 19:08:12
Pyrrhouette: A move that wins you the dance-off, but at a terrible price.

2009-04-15 05:41:00
If I ever draw up a will, it'll say "I faked my own death. Leave my shit alone."

2009-04-26 18:54:23
Farted in the shower. It stunk, but it stunk like home. It was then that I realized the truth of the old saying "Home is where the fart is."

2009-04-30 05:33:32
Later that night I had a dream about a debate exploring Swedish literature to determine our attitude toward Nazi Germany throughout history.

2009-05-26 11:56:34
Ever lit a match to get rid of fart smell? Ever hear girls claim that their farts don't smell? Ever notice that girls like lighting candles?

2009-06-07 16:39:26
To fred a stair: To dance flamboyantly up and down a set of stairs.

2009-06-21 13:31:30
In the 8th grade I told some classmates that I'm 1/4 african. They suggested I cut that 4th off. I cried "Not that!" and covered my crotch.

2009-06-26 15:16:14
I just had a Bacardi Breezer in the bath while reading a book. I don't think I've ever been more alliterative.

2009-07-03 14:37:04
Hojta högt! Bomber och granater; Hojta högt! Sulfit och sulfater; Hojta högt! Rimmar hur jag vill; Om du inte hojtar högt är du en salt sill

2009-07-06 18:42:09
I saw a guy with a shirt the back of which said "Latino Gigolo $500" and right across the price, in script, "first night free"

2009-07-13 07:37:43
Call me crazy, but I think I ought to be real smooth after all of those internal dialogues I've had with all of those imaginary people.

2009-07-15 06:57:55
Lately I'm starting to realize that you could take almost any of my tweets and use as a starting point for a bad guy's evil plan monologue.

2009-07-22 08:45:40
I feel good when I'm productive, I feel bad when I'm not. Why haven't I been conditioned to be productive all the time? Pavlov is a jerk.

2009-07-26 14:14:36
It's only when you're home alone for the week-end that you can zone out for a while, then look around you and think "Where are my pants?"

2009-08-05 10:13:54
"I always knew yours was a special brand of idiocy, but this really takes the cake, George. This really takes the whole goddamn bakery."

2009-08-14 09:16:50
Dipping bread in satay is the smartest thing I have ever done.

2009-08-23 09:23:29
Did I get the world's smallest bladder today? Is that some kind of hosted superpower, like the Uni-Power? Am I Captain Tiny Bladder now?

2009-08-29 19:16:44
I happened upon a chord progression on the piano that made me very sad. Then I realized it was from a Spice Girls song.

2009-08-30 12:24:12
Sundays are slow days. It's the one day I can't rely on the Internet to spoonfeed me information. I guess today I'd have to go to church.

2009-08-31 05:26:19
Just thought of a sketch where the lead tires of the backup singers' repetition and does everything within musical reason to shut them up.

2009-09-01 20:59:12
I have a list of boring/scary stuff that I probably have to hire someone to do for me. Or I could just grow up. No wait that's on the list.

2009-09-08 07:50:24
The reason every nerd strives to be so smart is that he's hoping to become a strategic advantage and be seduced by smoking hot enemy agents.

2009-09-11 14:50:29
Kids. I want to grab them by the neck and scream: "The only reason you exist is because your mom & dad love each other!" That'll teach them.

2009-09-12 11:25:40
Lately, a lot of people claim to be high on life. Is there a street name for that?

2009-09-16 06:58:04
Receptionists are always diverting attention elsewhere. That must be a terrible job for people who crave attention, like for example women.

2009-09-18 15:06:29
If the saying went "first time's a charm" then I would probably try new things much more often.

2009-09-19 18:42:05
I grew up watching satire before I knew what satire was. I just liked watching silly people. Now I can't take the real world seriously.

2009-09-20 07:10:04
If the enemy of my enemy is my friend, then surely the friend of my friend is my enemy.

2009-09-20 17:42:00
Time will tell. Unfortunately, God only knows, and he's not telling.

2009-09-20 18:47:33
By combining two offensive stereotypes I have come to a startling conclusion: All Mexicans are gay.

2009-09-30 21:38:16
I don't count sheep. I imagine soothing conversation with beautiful women. If I ever met Jessica Alba in person she'd think I'm narcoleptic.

2009-10-15 20:33:44
A professor once told me that a sense of humour is indicative of intelligence. She then adjusted her glasses and honked her clown's nose.

2009-11-03 15:35:50
The problem with failure is its contrast against the potential for success. If you just eliminate success, failure isn't such a big deal.

2009-11-10 11:59:06
Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? Who's a- No seriously, who's a good boy? Who's a good boy?! Answer me, you stupid dog! Bad dog!

2009-11-10 12:41:13
I take out my johnson in the the john, look at my stuff from Johnson & Johnson, and wonder why humans have no imagination.

2009-11-23 21:24:58
Convinced that my dogs talk about me behind my back. They exchange knowing looks when I sneeze. It's not my imagin- Wait, I don't have dogs.

2009-11-25 09:59:31
If people only spoke when they had something intelligent to say, then I for one would enjoy the silence.

Instant card change

Partial transcript

Unknown subject, 201X Feb 4.

[Recording starts mid-sentence.]

[...] to the [inaudible]. Bam! [crowd laughs] You know what I love though, you know what I used to love? That toy, when I was little, I had a toy where you would, you put these little shapes in the right hole? You know, the square piece goes in the square hole, the round piece goes in the round hole. And the black piece goes in the back of the bus. [muffled laughter] Everything in its place, everything in its place. That's what my dad, no, you know, my dad used to say: "There's a time and place for everything, there's a time and place for everything." He always said it twice too. [laughs] And you know, it's like in church. When you're in church, you can't take your pants off. I'm not just saying you shouldn't, I mean you can't do it! I tried! They was just stuck, like they're glued to my body! I swear! It's like Jesus is down there, holding on for dear life to your zipper and your belt: "Don't do it man, not in my house man, that's just not cool!" [laughter] Yeah, that's his voice: "Dude, that's nasty!" [sniffs] Those pants man, they just won't come off! [laughter] If you don't believe me, try it yourself next Sunday. I guarantee - no guarantees - your pants! They will stay on. Just try it! [laughter] And hey, maybe, I mean like there's a time and place for everything, so maybe sometimes it works, maybe it's one of those deals where it works on a certain date, like St. Patrick's day. Maybe that's Jesus's day off or something. You'll be standing there with your pants around your ankles, and the nuns'll be there, like: "It's a miracle!" cause you know they ain't seen a dick for 30 years. [laughter] "It's a miracle, thank you Jesus!" [laughter] And you know why it works on St. Patrick's day, 'cause St. Patrick is the patron saint of dicks. That's why everyone acts like a dick on St. Patrick's day. [muffled laughter] And assholes, he's also apparently the patron saint of assholes. You know, dicks and assholes, that's actually... [laughter] That's a bad connotation, that's a bad association to make... [laughter] For a church, you know, someone should talk to the Catholic church about that, explain a few things, you know. The bees and the bees. [laughter] There's a time and place for everything, a time and place... [fades out]

Unnamed Robert Downey Jr project

        BANK TELLER: Sir, there is an awful lot of money in your
                     checking account.

        RDJ:    How much?

        TELLER: Seven figures, sir.

        RDJ:    Oh, well that's probably stupid. I should fix
                that, I'm sorry.

        TELLER: Oh no sir, I must apologize on behalf of the
                bank for failing to notify you, sir.

        RDJ:    That's OK, I should probably hire someone to
                take care of that stuff, but you know.

        TELLER: Would you like me to transfer this into a
                savings account for you?

        RDJ:    Sure, that would probably be good.

        TELLER: Will that be all, sir?

        RDJ:    I don't know, will it?

        TELLER: That's up to you, sir. Everything's all done
                on my end, sir.

        RDJ:    Nice. Oh, do I tip you?

        TELLER: Oh no, sir.

        RDJ:    OK, I don't know how this works. Bye then.

        TELLER: Have a nice day, sir.

----------------------------------------------------------------

        RDJ:    So what do you do at this club?

        BUTLER: Whatever our members enjoy doing, sir.

        RDJ:    Spill it, it's a bunch of old farts sitting
                around sipping brandy and chatting about
                their latest safari.

        BUTLER: Mostly. Although there are other activities
                as well as other drinks, sir.

        RDJ:    Could you get me a Dr Pepper, with a twist
                of lime? And throw some ice in there.

        BUTLER: Certainly, sir.

        RDJ:    Nice. So do you have any game consoles here?

 Butler opens a door.

        BUTLER: The game room, sir.

        RDJ:    Oh. But it looks like it's occupied.

 Robert looks at the butler. He looks back at the couch,
 where two women are sitting, smiling invitingly.

        RDJ:    I thought you said this was a men's club.

        BUTLER: Quite correct, sir.

 A beat.

        RDJ:    Ohhh.

----------------------------------------------------------------

 Robert is playing a split-screen racing game
 against one of the girls while being pampered
 by the other.

       (to his opponent)
        RDJ:     Hah! That was a nasty crash, you're
                 falling behind now, come on!

 Robert and opponent trash talk.

        RDJ:     I'm sorry, what was your name?

        HOSTESS: Melissa.

        RDJ:     Melissa, are you letting me win?

        HOSTESS: Yes, sir.

        RDJ:     Excellent.

Distraction, motivation, production

I'm trying to figure out what motivates me, and I recently ran into an article on how we respond to challenges and how that relates to game genres, and found that I clearly want games to be a fantasy world where I'm the hero by default. I don't want any real challenges, I just want to cruise through the game and be treated to all the awesome stuff that involves. According to the article, that makes me a performer or, more accurately, a person with a performance orientation, in that I see challenges as an opportunity to perform. This is in contrast to people who have a mastery orientation and see every challenge as a chance to develop a skill and not only overcome but ultimately master that challenge.

So I'm a performer. Does that mean I'm a show-off and like to boast about my prowess? Not really. When someone poses a question at a meeting or a lecture, and I know the answer, I could probably go a full minute playing silence chicken to make absolutely sure that no one else knows the answer, it's not a rhetorical question, and the answer is of vital importance. If someone praises my singing, I feel awkward because singing is nothing special. You just use your voice to make music, everyone does that since the age of three. Some people stop, and I didn't.

Maybe the problem is that the "challenges" I breeze through don't even seem like challenges to me. Maybe I'm spoiled that way. At this point, I almost expect succeeding at a lot of things on the first try. That's the real victory for me. In a game context, the one thing I'm most likely to exclaim is "Hah, got it on the first try!" If I fail and have to try again, I only get frustrated. When/if I get through the tough ones I just mumble "Finally, stupid game."

So how does this tie in with motivation? There seems to be a disconnect between my in-game motivation and my real-world motivation. I don't seem to be performance oriented in real life. If I were, I would motivate myself by choosing easy problems (which there are lots of at work) and amassing the praise. Why don't I do that? I've narrowed it down to two problems.

I may be a performer, but I'm an asocial performer. I breeze through games for my own sake. I like to see the cool stuff that I can make the protagonist do at the push of a button. I have no interest at all in showing off my accomplishments to other people. Maybe I'll show them a cool lighting effect in the game engine, play the official soundtrack for them or tell them about the story if I find any of those worthy to share. I did turn on the PS3's Facebook integration, and I regularly post my trophies to Facebook, but that's mainly because I want others to see what game I'm playing and how far along I am. (It's also to punish them for spamming me with Farmville. Let's see how you like it!)

My motivation for playing is escapism. I want to escape from the real world where I have to overcome challenges, perform and master, measure and report. I don't game to get better at anything. Unfortunately, I think that the need to be distracted is a very fickle need to base a motivational structure upon. I have no idea how I would harness that need. Distraction as an end doesn't really limit the means, and there seems to be such a thing as too many means. For one, it's the paradox of choice; getting paralysed by the sheer amount of possibilities. If you can do something a thousand different ways, I will most likely try to size up each one, until I get distracted and move on to something else.

So in conclusion I'm an egotistical performer who's constantly seeking distractions. I basically need to find something productive that is so distracting that I can't change my focus until it's done, and gives me opportunity to perform. For me.

Optical illusion

Magic iPhone

Musical genius, Imogen Heap edition

Imogen Heap's latest album: Ellipse

The invisible palm

I came up with the idea of making a trick that looks like an instructional video, probably because I've watched so many by now.

Mid air colour change

Time for me to toot my own horn a bit. I came up with this transformation myself.

Musical genius, feline edition

Musical genius, Spanish edition

MJ tribute

I never noticed how good these lyrics are.

Roma, epilogue

I don't usually hope for anything, much in the same way I avoid promising anything. I'm afraid of disappointment and of disappointing others. So I don't take any chances, and I pretty much avoid anything that might set anyone up for disappointment. However, when I decided to go on my first vacation, I think I harboured a small seed of hope.

My life is devoid of meaning, simply due to how I perceive the Universe. My existence is completely random and will by its finite definition not amount to anything. I'm getting tired of that. When I try to talk to people about it, they think I'm depressed. Maybe I am, but it doesn't feel like it. It doesn't feel like anything at all. In fact, I would like to feel something.

Some of the most memorable moments in my life was when I was in pain. Years ago, I was bitten by a pet rodent and found myself revelling in actually feeling something. I realized in that moment that it had been a long time since I had last experienced pain, and I was glad to feel again, which I suppose also means that I usually don't feel anything in between moments of pain.

Having thought about that for a while, I agreed to go to Rome, in the hopes of feeling something. My secret hope, even half secret to myself, was that it would hold some kind of turning point in my life, that the experience could alter my perspective and force me out of my rut. Even after coming home, I denied to myself that I had had any hopes on the outset, but then I remembered that at every turn during the trip I seemed to be looking for something.

The plane took off, and I hoped that the fear, and my conquering it, would turn me into a stronger person. Maybe even alleviate my fear of death.

I saw the Colloseum, and I hoped that the perspective of history would bring meaning to my own existence.

Marvelling at St Peter's basilica, hearing the angelic choir that just happened to be singing when we entered, I actually hoped that I would find God.

Riding the Metro, I hoped that I would fall in love with a random girl, even if only for a heartbeat.

Nothing at all happened. Everything was very mundane, almost to the point of seeming quite ordinary. Nothing really left a lasting impression. It was my first disappointment in a very long time, and I really don't feel it was for lack of trying or a lack of openmindedness.

The end result is, if anything, that I'm now even more the person I already was. Next time, I simply won't hope for anything. I won't take a chance.

Portable Playstation ID

Just thought I'd post this somewhere. Now I can come back to this post and bask in the glory of my trophies. It has a UK flag because that's the only way I could get it in English.

Roma, pt 3

We were at the Vatican today.

One is called "Crucifixion", the other "Martin Luther King Jr." I saw one first and thought it was cool, then I saw the other and thought it was art.

I found the artefacts more fascinating than the art. Everyone's seen the frescos and paintings etc, but I haven't seen any photos of this stuff. I wasn't even sure what half of it was.

And come on artists, use glass. It's always more impressive.

Roma, intermezzo

A place called Goose, close to our hotel. It has pretty great pizzas. I had a diavolo.

This is the cheap Chinese restaurant next to the Termini. I have no idea what it's called.

McDonald's near Scala di Spagna. The entrance was almost invisible; they probably weren't allowed to use their usual garish yellow and red.

Roma, pt 2

This photo illustrates two things: How happy I am to be in Rome, and how much I can see of it. I can barely keep my eyes open, sometimes I have to sit down and close them for a while just so I won't go blind. The evenings are bearable though, I guess I'll just sleep all day and not go to any tourist attractions.

PS: We saw the pope (kinda, he was really far away). It was bound to happen, since he lives right next door. We walk through there on our way to and from the hotel every day.

Roma, pt 1

Something happened this Monday. It began as a normal day, just lounging about playing inFamous.

Suddenly we were whisked away by an aeroplane. This was my first flight. I was pretty nervous when it was time for take off, but I focused on the engines and chewing my gum, and anxiousness luckily turned into fascination.

Our intrepid adventurers.

Lest I forget, I found a fantastic type of liquorice at the tax free shop in Arlanda: Dark Salmiak. I'm going to have to try to get my hands on a few more bags on my way home, it's delicious, and I've never seen it anywhere else. Airports are apparently magical places.

The landing went well, and then a nice stranger with a mini bus found us and gave us a ride to the doorstep of our hotel, for €10 a piece. Since he also drove other passengers, we ended up getting a tour of all of Rome. We saw pretty much everything we needed to see just minutes after touching down.

This is my room. We have a suite, with a bathroom, kitchenette and a hallway joining our bedrooms. My room has internet and a microwave oven. Win!

The next day (today), we went gallivanting around town on foot. My feet are killing me. I didn't have my camera with me, stupidly enough, so for pictures of that, you'll have to visit my brother's blog.

Charlie Shortchanged

Just realized that I haven't pimped my other blog on this blog. Check out my seralized story Charlie Shortchanged, which takes place in White Wolf's World of Darkness, specifically Changeling. I was reading the Changeling rulebook and got inspiration for a role-playing adventure, but since I don't have anyone to play with, I decided to play it solo and write it down. Here's what I have so far.

I found the X

Now what?

As the Earth turns

Sakura

Last week, my brother, his gf and I were at the cherry blossom festival (hanami) at Kungsträdgården. Thought I'd post some photos of Swedish cherry blossoms, but it looks like someone beat me to it.

The celebration started off with a taiko drum performance. It felt rather anachronistic seeing this centuries old artform being performed in the middle of a city.

Look at them go!

Later, the chairwoman of the local Japanese club showed us part of a Noh play. Unfortunately we couldn't hear much of it since she wasn't wearing a microphone. It was extremely expressive however, and her forceful stomps even dislodged one of those red banners behind the stage. Cooler heads would say the strong winds might have been the culprit, but I'm sticking to my story.

The Swedish Kendo team was there to show off their skills.

No celebration would be complete without a fashion show. I believe these kimono are for everyday use.

These colourful kimono are for celebrations.

This is the Sakura Choir. They sang a few pretty songs, but by this time it was so cold and windy we were all shaking and had to get some actual cherry blossom photos before we froze to death, so we only listened to one and a half song.

I found some of the models "backstage" where some of my fellow gawking Swedes and I snapped a few photos.

This photo may seem perfect at first, but if you look closely her fingers are freezing. It was actually snowing at this point. I wish I were joking, but this is April in Sweden. I'm surprised any of the trees even dared to bloom.

The anime nerds were out in full force, celebrating the Japanese culture in their own quirky way, bless their hearts.

Cute teddybear backpacks were not an uncommon sight.

These European girls emulate the Japanese emulation of a European ideal. The mind boggles. Aren't they cute? How much time does it take just to get the hairdo right? And how much do those creepy dolls cost? Equal parts kawaii and kowai, if you will.

Drottningholm

We visited the Drottningholm castle yesterday. The weather was great, the tour guide informative, and the castle itself was pretty neat. The only thing that bothered me was that the painted faux marble in the entrance hall looked obviously fake to me and looked kind of cheap. No photos of that though, because we weren't allowed to take pictures inside. After taking the tour, we headed back and realized that we were probably starving (since my brother and I both had a headache), and after grabbing a bite we paid Gamla Stan a quick visit.