Sunday, December 27, 2009

Best Of iaoth's Twitter

2008-07-13 20:50:38
Went out yesterday to buy candy and bumped into a co-worker. Went out today to get thai food and saw a hare. Outside: It's an adventure.

2008-07-28 16:43:59
Washed a bloodstain off the window. Let's hope CSI doesn't stop by.

2008-11-16 20:09:23
Futurama idea #42, "The Wouldawannatron": Postdicts what a deceased person or persons would have wanted. "It's what they would have wanted."

2009-01-11 12:41:00
Movie idea "Blackjack": Allied soldiers in Iraq aiming for a pip sum of 21 while offing people from the most-wanted deck of cards. "Hit me!"

2009-01-12 18:50:44
Nothing is more fun than sports. And by that I mean that I would rather do nothing. (That's so pithy Groucho Marx must've said it already.)

2009-03-07 01:09:19
As with most nerds, my mental development seems to have stopped short around the age of 12. Luckily I was very mature for my age.

2009-03-15 10:05:10
When I woke up, I had another image in my mind: A Kung Fu school for kids, and the boys have just found the pressure point for farting.

2009-04-02 17:19:02
I fear that if I ever get drunk I'd start a fight. I might also sing. Basically I'd be Irish.

2009-04-05 16:49:16
cuz ah-I would ride a cab 10 miles and ah-I'd ride maybe 10 miles more, just to be almost right at your door, cuz you live on the 23rd floor

2009-04-15 19:08:12
Pyrrhouette: A move that wins you the dance-off, but at a terrible price.

2009-04-15 05:41:00
If I ever draw up a will, it'll say "I faked my own death. Leave my shit alone."

2009-04-26 18:54:23
Farted in the shower. It stunk, but it stunk like home. It was then that I realized the truth of the old saying "Home is where the fart is."

2009-04-30 05:33:32
Later that night I had a dream about a debate exploring Swedish literature to determine our attitude toward Nazi Germany throughout history.

2009-05-26 11:56:34
Ever lit a match to get rid of fart smell? Ever hear girls claim that their farts don't smell? Ever notice that girls like lighting candles?

2009-06-07 16:39:26
To fred a stair: To dance flamboyantly up and down a set of stairs.

2009-06-21 13:31:30
In the 8th grade I told some classmates that I'm 1/4 african. They suggested I cut that 4th off. I cried "Not that!" and covered my crotch.

2009-06-26 15:16:14
I just had a Bacardi Breezer in the bath while reading a book. I don't think I've ever been more alliterative.

2009-07-03 14:37:04
Hojta högt! Bomber och granater; Hojta högt! Sulfit och sulfater; Hojta högt! Rimmar hur jag vill; Om du inte hojtar högt är du en salt sill

2009-07-06 18:42:09
I saw a guy with a shirt the back of which said "Latino Gigolo $500" and right across the price, in script, "first night free"

2009-07-13 07:37:43
Call me crazy, but I think I ought to be real smooth after all of those internal dialogues I've had with all of those imaginary people.

2009-07-15 06:57:55
Lately I'm starting to realize that you could take almost any of my tweets and use as a starting point for a bad guy's evil plan monologue.

2009-07-22 08:45:40
I feel good when I'm productive, I feel bad when I'm not. Why haven't I been conditioned to be productive all the time? Pavlov is a jerk.

2009-07-26 14:14:36
It's only when you're home alone for the week-end that you can zone out for a while, then look around you and think "Where are my pants?"

2009-08-05 10:13:54
"I always knew yours was a special brand of idiocy, but this really takes the cake, George. This really takes the whole goddamn bakery."

2009-08-14 09:16:50
Dipping bread in satay is the smartest thing I have ever done.

2009-08-23 09:23:29
Did I get the world's smallest bladder today? Is that some kind of hosted superpower, like the Uni-Power? Am I Captain Tiny Bladder now?

2009-08-29 19:16:44
I happened upon a chord progression on the piano that made me very sad. Then I realized it was from a Spice Girls song.

2009-08-30 12:24:12
Sundays are slow days. It's the one day I can't rely on the Internet to spoonfeed me information. I guess today I'd have to go to church.

2009-08-31 05:26:19
Just thought of a sketch where the lead tires of the backup singers' repetition and does everything within musical reason to shut them up.

2009-09-01 20:59:12
I have a list of boring/scary stuff that I probably have to hire someone to do for me. Or I could just grow up. No wait that's on the list.

2009-09-08 07:50:24
The reason every nerd strives to be so smart is that he's hoping to become a strategic advantage and be seduced by smoking hot enemy agents.

2009-09-11 14:50:29
Kids. I want to grab them by the neck and scream: "The only reason you exist is because your mom & dad love each other!" That'll teach them.

2009-09-12 11:25:40
Lately, a lot of people claim to be high on life. Is there a street name for that?

2009-09-16 06:58:04
Receptionists are always diverting attention elsewhere. That must be a terrible job for people who crave attention, like for example women.

2009-09-18 15:06:29
If the saying went "first time's a charm" then I would probably try new things much more often.

2009-09-19 18:42:05
I grew up watching satire before I knew what satire was. I just liked watching silly people. Now I can't take the real world seriously.

2009-09-20 07:10:04
If the enemy of my enemy is my friend, then surely the friend of my friend is my enemy.

2009-09-20 17:42:00
Time will tell. Unfortunately, God only knows, and he's not telling.

2009-09-20 18:47:33
By combining two offensive stereotypes I have come to a startling conclusion: All Mexicans are gay.

2009-09-30 21:38:16
I don't count sheep. I imagine soothing conversation with beautiful women. If I ever met Jessica Alba in person she'd think I'm narcoleptic.

2009-10-15 20:33:44
A professor once told me that a sense of humour is indicative of intelligence. She then adjusted her glasses and honked her clown's nose.

2009-11-03 15:35:50
The problem with failure is its contrast against the potential for success. If you just eliminate success, failure isn't such a big deal.

2009-11-10 11:59:06
Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? Who's a- No seriously, who's a good boy? Who's a good boy?! Answer me, you stupid dog! Bad dog!

2009-11-10 12:41:13
I take out my johnson in the the john, look at my stuff from Johnson & Johnson, and wonder why humans have no imagination.

2009-11-23 21:24:58
Convinced that my dogs talk about me behind my back. They exchange knowing looks when I sneeze. It's not my imagin- Wait, I don't have dogs.

2009-11-25 09:59:31
If people only spoke when they had something intelligent to say, then I for one would enjoy the silence.

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