Monday, December 07, 2009

Partial transcript

Unknown subject, 201X Feb 4.

[Recording starts mid-sentence.]

[...] to the [inaudible]. Bam! [crowd laughs] You know what I love though, you know what I used to love? That toy, when I was little, I had a toy where you would, you put these little shapes in the right hole? You know, the square piece goes in the square hole, the round piece goes in the round hole. And the black piece goes in the back of the bus. [muffled laughter] Everything in its place, everything in its place. That's what my dad, no, you know, my dad used to say: "There's a time and place for everything, there's a time and place for everything." He always said it twice too. [laughs] And you know, it's like in church. When you're in church, you can't take your pants off. I'm not just saying you shouldn't, I mean you can't do it! I tried! They was just stuck, like they're glued to my body! I swear! It's like Jesus is down there, holding on for dear life to your zipper and your belt: "Don't do it man, not in my house man, that's just not cool!" [laughter] Yeah, that's his voice: "Dude, that's nasty!" [sniffs] Those pants man, they just won't come off! [laughter] If you don't believe me, try it yourself next Sunday. I guarantee - no guarantees - your pants! They will stay on. Just try it! [laughter] And hey, maybe, I mean like there's a time and place for everything, so maybe sometimes it works, maybe it's one of those deals where it works on a certain date, like St. Patrick's day. Maybe that's Jesus's day off or something. You'll be standing there with your pants around your ankles, and the nuns'll be there, like: "It's a miracle!" cause you know they ain't seen a dick for 30 years. [laughter] "It's a miracle, thank you Jesus!" [laughter] And you know why it works on St. Patrick's day, 'cause St. Patrick is the patron saint of dicks. That's why everyone acts like a dick on St. Patrick's day. [muffled laughter] And assholes, he's also apparently the patron saint of assholes. You know, dicks and assholes, that's actually... [laughter] That's a bad connotation, that's a bad association to make... [laughter] For a church, you know, someone should talk to the Catholic church about that, explain a few things, you know. The bees and the bees. [laughter] There's a time and place for everything, a time and place... [fades out]

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