Sunday, December 27, 2009

Best Of iaoth's Twitter

2008-07-13 20:50:38
Went out yesterday to buy candy and bumped into a co-worker. Went out today to get thai food and saw a hare. Outside: It's an adventure.

2008-07-28 16:43:59
Washed a bloodstain off the window. Let's hope CSI doesn't stop by.

2008-11-16 20:09:23
Futurama idea #42, "The Wouldawannatron": Postdicts what a deceased person or persons would have wanted. "It's what they would have wanted."

2009-01-11 12:41:00
Movie idea "Blackjack": Allied soldiers in Iraq aiming for a pip sum of 21 while offing people from the most-wanted deck of cards. "Hit me!"

2009-01-12 18:50:44
Nothing is more fun than sports. And by that I mean that I would rather do nothing. (That's so pithy Groucho Marx must've said it already.)

2009-03-07 01:09:19
As with most nerds, my mental development seems to have stopped short around the age of 12. Luckily I was very mature for my age.

2009-03-15 10:05:10
When I woke up, I had another image in my mind: A Kung Fu school for kids, and the boys have just found the pressure point for farting.

2009-04-02 17:19:02
I fear that if I ever get drunk I'd start a fight. I might also sing. Basically I'd be Irish.

2009-04-05 16:49:16
cuz ah-I would ride a cab 10 miles and ah-I'd ride maybe 10 miles more, just to be almost right at your door, cuz you live on the 23rd floor

2009-04-15 19:08:12
Pyrrhouette: A move that wins you the dance-off, but at a terrible price.

2009-04-15 05:41:00
If I ever draw up a will, it'll say "I faked my own death. Leave my shit alone."

2009-04-26 18:54:23
Farted in the shower. It stunk, but it stunk like home. It was then that I realized the truth of the old saying "Home is where the fart is."

2009-04-30 05:33:32
Later that night I had a dream about a debate exploring Swedish literature to determine our attitude toward Nazi Germany throughout history.

2009-05-26 11:56:34
Ever lit a match to get rid of fart smell? Ever hear girls claim that their farts don't smell? Ever notice that girls like lighting candles?

2009-06-07 16:39:26
To fred a stair: To dance flamboyantly up and down a set of stairs.

2009-06-21 13:31:30
In the 8th grade I told some classmates that I'm 1/4 african. They suggested I cut that 4th off. I cried "Not that!" and covered my crotch.

2009-06-26 15:16:14
I just had a Bacardi Breezer in the bath while reading a book. I don't think I've ever been more alliterative.

2009-07-03 14:37:04
Hojta högt! Bomber och granater; Hojta högt! Sulfit och sulfater; Hojta högt! Rimmar hur jag vill; Om du inte hojtar högt är du en salt sill

2009-07-06 18:42:09
I saw a guy with a shirt the back of which said "Latino Gigolo $500" and right across the price, in script, "first night free"

2009-07-13 07:37:43
Call me crazy, but I think I ought to be real smooth after all of those internal dialogues I've had with all of those imaginary people.

2009-07-15 06:57:55
Lately I'm starting to realize that you could take almost any of my tweets and use as a starting point for a bad guy's evil plan monologue.

2009-07-22 08:45:40
I feel good when I'm productive, I feel bad when I'm not. Why haven't I been conditioned to be productive all the time? Pavlov is a jerk.

2009-07-26 14:14:36
It's only when you're home alone for the week-end that you can zone out for a while, then look around you and think "Where are my pants?"

2009-08-05 10:13:54
"I always knew yours was a special brand of idiocy, but this really takes the cake, George. This really takes the whole goddamn bakery."

2009-08-14 09:16:50
Dipping bread in satay is the smartest thing I have ever done.

2009-08-23 09:23:29
Did I get the world's smallest bladder today? Is that some kind of hosted superpower, like the Uni-Power? Am I Captain Tiny Bladder now?

2009-08-29 19:16:44
I happened upon a chord progression on the piano that made me very sad. Then I realized it was from a Spice Girls song.

2009-08-30 12:24:12
Sundays are slow days. It's the one day I can't rely on the Internet to spoonfeed me information. I guess today I'd have to go to church.

2009-08-31 05:26:19
Just thought of a sketch where the lead tires of the backup singers' repetition and does everything within musical reason to shut them up.

2009-09-01 20:59:12
I have a list of boring/scary stuff that I probably have to hire someone to do for me. Or I could just grow up. No wait that's on the list.

2009-09-08 07:50:24
The reason every nerd strives to be so smart is that he's hoping to become a strategic advantage and be seduced by smoking hot enemy agents.

2009-09-11 14:50:29
Kids. I want to grab them by the neck and scream: "The only reason you exist is because your mom & dad love each other!" That'll teach them.

2009-09-12 11:25:40
Lately, a lot of people claim to be high on life. Is there a street name for that?

2009-09-16 06:58:04
Receptionists are always diverting attention elsewhere. That must be a terrible job for people who crave attention, like for example women.

2009-09-18 15:06:29
If the saying went "first time's a charm" then I would probably try new things much more often.

2009-09-19 18:42:05
I grew up watching satire before I knew what satire was. I just liked watching silly people. Now I can't take the real world seriously.

2009-09-20 07:10:04
If the enemy of my enemy is my friend, then surely the friend of my friend is my enemy.

2009-09-20 17:42:00
Time will tell. Unfortunately, God only knows, and he's not telling.

2009-09-20 18:47:33
By combining two offensive stereotypes I have come to a startling conclusion: All Mexicans are gay.

2009-09-30 21:38:16
I don't count sheep. I imagine soothing conversation with beautiful women. If I ever met Jessica Alba in person she'd think I'm narcoleptic.

2009-10-15 20:33:44
A professor once told me that a sense of humour is indicative of intelligence. She then adjusted her glasses and honked her clown's nose.

2009-11-03 15:35:50
The problem with failure is its contrast against the potential for success. If you just eliminate success, failure isn't such a big deal.

2009-11-10 11:59:06
Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? Who's a- No seriously, who's a good boy? Who's a good boy?! Answer me, you stupid dog! Bad dog!

2009-11-10 12:41:13
I take out my johnson in the the john, look at my stuff from Johnson & Johnson, and wonder why humans have no imagination.

2009-11-23 21:24:58
Convinced that my dogs talk about me behind my back. They exchange knowing looks when I sneeze. It's not my imagin- Wait, I don't have dogs.

2009-11-25 09:59:31
If people only spoke when they had something intelligent to say, then I for one would enjoy the silence.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Monday, December 07, 2009

Partial transcript

Unknown subject, 201X Feb 4.

[Recording starts mid-sentence.]

[...] to the [inaudible]. Bam! [crowd laughs] You know what I love though, you know what I used to love? That toy, when I was little, I had a toy where you would, you put these little shapes in the right hole? You know, the square piece goes in the square hole, the round piece goes in the round hole. And the black piece goes in the back of the bus. [muffled laughter] Everything in its place, everything in its place. That's what my dad, no, you know, my dad used to say: "There's a time and place for everything, there's a time and place for everything." He always said it twice too. [laughs] And you know, it's like in church. When you're in church, you can't take your pants off. I'm not just saying you shouldn't, I mean you can't do it! I tried! They was just stuck, like they're glued to my body! I swear! It's like Jesus is down there, holding on for dear life to your zipper and your belt: "Don't do it man, not in my house man, that's just not cool!" [laughter] Yeah, that's his voice: "Dude, that's nasty!" [sniffs] Those pants man, they just won't come off! [laughter] If you don't believe me, try it yourself next Sunday. I guarantee - no guarantees - your pants! They will stay on. Just try it! [laughter] And hey, maybe, I mean like there's a time and place for everything, so maybe sometimes it works, maybe it's one of those deals where it works on a certain date, like St. Patrick's day. Maybe that's Jesus's day off or something. You'll be standing there with your pants around your ankles, and the nuns'll be there, like: "It's a miracle!" cause you know they ain't seen a dick for 30 years. [laughter] "It's a miracle, thank you Jesus!" [laughter] And you know why it works on St. Patrick's day, 'cause St. Patrick is the patron saint of dicks. That's why everyone acts like a dick on St. Patrick's day. [muffled laughter] And assholes, he's also apparently the patron saint of assholes. You know, dicks and assholes, that's actually... [laughter] That's a bad connotation, that's a bad association to make... [laughter] For a church, you know, someone should talk to the Catholic church about that, explain a few things, you know. The bees and the bees. [laughter] There's a time and place for everything, a time and place... [fades out]

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Unnamed Robert Downey Jr project

        BANK TELLER: Sir, there is an awful lot of money in your
                     checking account.

        RDJ:    How much?

        TELLER: Seven figures, sir.

        RDJ:    Oh, well that's probably stupid. I should fix
                that, I'm sorry.

        TELLER: Oh no sir, I must apologize on behalf of the
                bank for failing to notify you, sir.

        RDJ:    That's OK, I should probably hire someone to
                take care of that stuff, but you know.

        TELLER: Would you like me to transfer this into a
                savings account for you?

        RDJ:    Sure, that would probably be good.

        TELLER: Will that be all, sir?

        RDJ:    I don't know, will it?

        TELLER: That's up to you, sir. Everything's all done
                on my end, sir.

        RDJ:    Nice. Oh, do I tip you?

        TELLER: Oh no, sir.

        RDJ:    OK, I don't know how this works. Bye then.

        TELLER: Have a nice day, sir.


        RDJ:    So what do you do at this club?

        BUTLER: Whatever our members enjoy doing, sir.

        RDJ:    Spill it, it's a bunch of old farts sitting
                around sipping brandy and chatting about
                their latest safari.

        BUTLER: Mostly. Although there are other activities
                as well as other drinks, sir.

        RDJ:    Could you get me a Dr Pepper, with a twist
                of lime? And throw some ice in there.

        BUTLER: Certainly, sir.

        RDJ:    Nice. So do you have any game consoles here?

 Butler opens a door.

        BUTLER: The game room, sir.

        RDJ:    Oh. But it looks like it's occupied.

 Robert looks at the butler. He looks back at the couch,
 where two women are sitting, smiling invitingly.

        RDJ:    I thought you said this was a men's club.

        BUTLER: Quite correct, sir.

 A beat.

        RDJ:    Ohhh.


 Robert is playing a split-screen racing game
 against one of the girls while being pampered
 by the other.

       (to his opponent)
        RDJ:     Hah! That was a nasty crash, you're
                 falling behind now, come on!

 Robert and opponent trash talk.

        RDJ:     I'm sorry, what was your name?

        HOSTESS: Melissa.

        RDJ:     Melissa, are you letting me win?

        HOSTESS: Yes, sir.

        RDJ:     Excellent.

Distraction, motivation, production

I'm trying to figure out what motivates me, and I recently ran into an article on how we respond to challenges and how that relates to game genres, and found that I clearly want games to be a fantasy world where I'm the hero by default. I don't want any real challenges, I just want to cruise through the game and be treated to all the awesome stuff that involves. According to the article, that makes me a performer or, more accurately, a person with a performance orientation, in that I see challenges as an opportunity to perform. This is in contrast to people who have a mastery orientation and see every challenge as a chance to develop a skill and not only overcome but ultimately master that challenge.

So I'm a performer. Does that mean I'm a show-off and like to boast about my prowess? Not really. When someone poses a question at a meeting or a lecture, and I know the answer, I could probably go a full minute playing silence chicken to make absolutely sure that no one else knows the answer, it's not a rhetorical question, and the answer is of vital importance. If someone praises my singing, I feel awkward because singing is nothing special. You just use your voice to make music, everyone does that since the age of three. Some people stop, and I didn't.

Maybe the problem is that the "challenges" I breeze through don't even seem like challenges to me. Maybe I'm spoiled that way. At this point, I almost expect succeeding at a lot of things on the first try. That's the real victory for me. In a game context, the one thing I'm most likely to exclaim is "Hah, got it on the first try!" If I fail and have to try again, I only get frustrated. When/if I get through the tough ones I just mumble "Finally, stupid game."

So how does this tie in with motivation? There seems to be a disconnect between my in-game motivation and my real-world motivation. I don't seem to be performance oriented in real life. If I were, I would motivate myself by choosing easy problems (which there are lots of at work) and amassing the praise. Why don't I do that? I've narrowed it down to two problems.

I may be a performer, but I'm an asocial performer. I breeze through games for my own sake. I like to see the cool stuff that I can make the protagonist do at the push of a button. I have no interest at all in showing off my accomplishments to other people. Maybe I'll show them a cool lighting effect in the game engine, play the official soundtrack for them or tell them about the story if I find any of those worthy to share. I did turn on the PS3's Facebook integration, and I regularly post my trophies to Facebook, but that's mainly because I want others to see what game I'm playing and how far along I am. (It's also to punish them for spamming me with Farmville. Let's see how you like it!)

My motivation for playing is escapism. I want to escape from the real world where I have to overcome challenges, perform and master, measure and report. I don't game to get better at anything. Unfortunately, I think that the need to be distracted is a very fickle need to base a motivational structure upon. I have no idea how I would harness that need. Distraction as an end doesn't really limit the means, and there seems to be such a thing as too many means. For one, it's the paradox of choice; getting paralysed by the sheer amount of possibilities. If you can do something a thousand different ways, I will most likely try to size up each one, until I get distracted and move on to something else.

So in conclusion I'm an egotistical performer who's constantly seeking distractions. I basically need to find something productive that is so distracting that I can't change my focus until it's done, and gives me opportunity to perform. For me.